Many times I am down with thoughts of what should have been. Thoughts of what I wish were At these moments, I tend to forget who I really am, and what I should be grateful for. At these moments, I usually doubt if they are reasons to be grateful and thankful. Life feels so thankless, and so not worth living. Not because the beauty of life is removed. But, because, it begins to feel like there was never beauty in life.
Thoughts of failure and weakness, and frustrations are what I sit with at these moments. Thoughts I am sure you have had. Feelings that you are so familiar with. Thoughts of all the efforts you put out that didn't work. Thoughts of all the burnt midnight candles that seem unburnt. At least, there are no results to show.
You remember that feeling of inadequacy? Of failure? And of failing? Feeling of fears? Feeling like you stopped being creative? Or forgotten how to use the creativity? Everyone seem to have something to say to you. 'It is not God's time yet' 'All you need is work harder.'Some say work smarter. Others encourage you to be grateful for just having life. Life that you fear would end up worthless if things continue being as frustrating as they are.. 'Come on, push, keep pushing...' You hear others say at those moments attempting to make you stronger and give you hope.
At those moments when you embrace life as frustrating as it is, the unfairness of it all, and you take to history. Reminding yourself of where you came from, and exactly how you started. You remind yourself of your never having anything. You keep remembering how nothing ever worked out. You remember clearly how you were born and raised in nothing,of growing in poverty and hopes - the only luxury your poverty could afford. You wanted to break out, you work hard, you put in your all, stay up late at night, thinking outside of a box that doesn't exist, you keep struggling, giving your best, but keep on coming to naught. You keep coming back to where you began.
Then comes those words of hopes. Joel calls them pep talks. You seem to have a little hope, you want to strive harder. And perhaps do.
It all start coming back. Those wicked thoughts that make all the words weightless.