I love hate you...

You said you love me. You said you always have me in your thoughts. You said you dream of me day and night. You said you can't wait to have me in your arms. You said you always imagine me by your side each time you go to bed at night. You said I drive you crazy.

I didn't say otherwise but I never told you I love you. So you said you would always want me to assure you how much I love you.

Did I even love you I ask myself sometimes. Not like I get answers but we were close; Real close. I visited you each time I was back for my holidays.

You took me out. We went shopping.You bought me gifts. You gave me the first laptop I ever owned. My first blazers ever, you got me. Even my ash suit that I dashed my cousin you bought me. You got me just everything I needed.

When I lost my first laptop, you got me another. It spoilt, you got me yet another. The one with which I type this.

My mother said I was careless to lose the first laptop and an ingrate to spoil the second, yet you never complained.

Did I mention you got me the first symbian phone I ever used? Even the first android, Tecno N3. Later on, you got me a Tecno tablet and then a Samsung S2. You knew how much I needed a Samsung S5, a better tablet.You were going to get me an S5 on my birthday.

It was two weeks to my birthday.I had come back for the weekend.I decided to pay you a surprise visit. Not that I pre-informed you of all my other visits, I often called you midway to your house. You live in the street after mine and I often go by your house during my evening walks.I would call to say I was around and you would often tell me to come over which I did most times. My twenty minutes walk ends in your abode where I eventually stay all through the evening and each time I got home, my mother would shout at me for staying out late.

This visit wasn't one of my usual walks.I wanted to profess my love.To tell you I want to be in your arms; to wake from my sleep by your side.That I love you and was begining to dream of you, just like you do of me.

It has been three years since you met me, three years of treating me special.I was in SS3 then but now, I'm an undergraduate. Distance was no barrier. You call me on phone, we're friends on Facebook, you have my BBM pin, we chat on whatsapp,we follow each other on twitter and my house is one hundred and fifty naira bus fare away from my school, so I was home most weekends. This was one of those weekends. I didn't tell you I was coming back. All part of the surprise.

I couldn't help not coming back this weekend.I was begining to think of you. I was always thinking of us.You were really driving me crazy.I could barely concentrate. It was you on my mind always. I was begining to think of it being love.Whatelse could it be? I was coming to tell you how you make me feel, what your thoughts make of me.I came hoping you would ask me out again, so I could say yes, embrace you, kiss you, and make love with you.

I walked down to your street. Now very close to your house, I could hear your voice.You always talk loud which I often complain of. You were in the bar close to your house.

I can hear what you were saying even now in my head, your voice so clear.You were saying you can't be gay, that will be lowering your standards.You were saying that you hate gay people.You were saying that gay people are confused people.You called them stupid, indecisive, abnormal and people who do not know what they want from life.

I stood dumbstruck. I had been heading for the bar to drag you away when I began to hear your voice. I stood to get what you were saying and behold I heard them clearly.Could I have even moved? My legs rooted to the ground yet couldn't seem to stay stable. I needed support.

I walked into the bar to be sure the voice I heard was yours.I wanted to buy a fayrouz drink while I scan the bar to confirm your presence.You were still talking, saying gay people deserve the fourteen years jail term when I stepped into the bar.

Our eyes met and my facial expression gave me away.You knew I had heard you and stuttered as you tried taking your eyes away from me.

I left the bar.Not buying the fayrouz drink. I knew you would come after me, so I stopped a bike, I couldn't walk  home. I may break down before I get home and you will catch up with me.I was already on the bike before you came out from the bar.

I couldn't believe you hated me, couldn't believe you thought me to be stupid, confused, and indecisive about what I wanted from life.Did you think this lowly of me?

Was that why you spent three years wooing me? Was it your hate that made you profess love to me?

I never expected this from you. I thought highly of you. I couldn't believe you could be so hypocritical. Which do I believe? Your professed love or your confessed hate for me whom you have turned gay at heart.

I have never had gay sex before but I was coming to do that with you and all you could do was call me stupid, confused, abnormal, and indecisive.

If gays deny themselves, who will speak for them? Who will tell the government that the fourteen years jail term is wrong? That freedom is needed to walk the streets without fear of intimidation.

You called my line it rang, and rang and rang but I didn't pick up. My phone was ringing when I came down the bike and paid the bike man. It rang till I entered my house and then my room where I cried my eyes out as the phone kept ringing.

The phone later stopped ringing. I knew it must have occured to you that I wouldn't pick your calls. I knew you wouldn't come to my house. I knew you will call me yet again to say how sorry you were, so I texted you, to tell you I was disappointed in you, that I had come to tell you how much I love you but you ended up breaking my heart before I said yes. Now, all I can say is that I LOVE HATE YOU... I really do.